out of bounds

I haven’t written in a long time. I blame it on several things 1) we don’t have internet at home- Mike and I have decided to save ourselves a lot of money and time wasted online by just not getting internet this year- and it’s been great! 2) I’ve been trying to be a little less media-inundated this year, which means less internet, less TV, and less movies (but on the other end, it means a whole lot more listening to NPR) and 3) I haven’t particularly felt very “safe” about sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences lately

I’ve been going through a weird period in my life which I keep hoping will end soon but also keep  fearing it never will. I feel “out of bounds”. I’ve never felt this way before, not in this way, so I am assuming that most of you haven’t felt this way either. I keep feeling somewhat dissident. different. unacceptable. I am afraid of my own thoughts and what I am becoming, yet I am so excited about it and wish I felt like I could fully embrace who I am. I feel like I have been slowly wading out of the mainstream and into some unknown and “dangerous” territory. I haven’t been here before, so it scares me, but I also am loving the adventure. It seems better out here.

I fear being judged. I fear being told I shouldn’t be thinking what I do. I fear losing my credibility because I have stopped thinking like everyone else. I fear being looked at as weird and irrelevant. I fear being seen as troubled and in need of some transformation or conversion back to the normal. I fear being unaccepted. discarded. feared.

So I walk this line of thinking about the world and seeing the world in a different light than before, yet not sharing the view. I have crazy thoughts and share them with so few. I constantly edit myself to only share a side that is more “acceptable”. I struggle with both being judgmental and being judged. I am afraid of being kicked out. And my authentic community seems to be getting smaller and smaller.

I do not want two selves. I do not want the authentic and the inauthentic. Perhaps I just need to take a leap and be my authentic self, and see what happens. But it’s scary standing at the edge of the cliff, thinking about what might happen if I jump off.

And so, I haven’t been blogging much.