July 2006

it’s 12:34 am on friday morning… very very early friday morning. this past week has been a mess. the week started very stressed and frustrating. i had way too much to do and felt anxiety like few other times in my life. but don’t worry- i got better!

tuesday night i went out on one of the best dates of my life… with my roommate lindsey! linds (aka grasser-face) is my maid-of-honor and one of my best best friends. we had dinner together, spent an hour and a half canoing on a tree-lined lake and watching the sunset, then went and saw “the break up”. i love linds dearly and i’m really sad i won’t be living with her anymore. linds and i have lived together for nearly 4 years… it really is the end of an era

then wednesday night mike and i went out to dinner, and despite our mutual exhaustion, we were able to write our vows and enjoy a somewhat normal date. (i crave being normal again) by the end of wednesday night the wedding to-do list on my palm finally appeared managable and i could finally take a deep breath of relief- for the first time in a long time it looked like we could get everything done

and today- thursday- i ran errands for those last-minute needs (like filling all my prescriptions before i lose my health insurance on saturday) and got a few more things ready for the wedding. i did laundry (like a normal person!) and spent a little time with mike. i ran the 56 pool party, spent an hour and a half playing in the pool like a true middle-schooler, and enjoyed a break from adult life.

and now- it’s late, i’ve finished up a few more last-minute things, one of my favorite movies (Far and Away) is on TBS in the background, and i’m about to get ready for one of my last nights sleeping in my own twin bed…

 

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It’s a name for a girl
It’s also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she’s got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She’s got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

 

Bono, thanks for the song

In the late 80’s and early 90’s there was this great show called Out of This World about a girl with an alien father (who she would talk to through this crystal-box thing). She lived on earth and was fairly normal except that she had the ability of stopping time by touching two of her fingers together. Everything would just freeze and she’d be able to do whatever she wanted as long as she wanted until she touched her fingers again and time began rolling.

I used to want to be that girl with the alien father. (Mostly when I was an engineering student and UW-Madison drinking 2 pots of coffee a day and consistently going on less than 4 hours of sleep a night.) If only I could have stopped time and taken a realllllllllllllllllllllly long nap. After I got through the hell of the engineering program and recovered from my perfectionist tendencies, I no longer longed for that time-freezing superpower. Time was ok as it was.

But now… I want it back. No no, not because I am too busy… yes my days are full, but I am getting sleep… but because I want the world to STOP for a bit so I can just sit down, take a deep breath, and look around. I desire just some time and space to be and not having anything i need to do. I want a chance to look back and some time to look forward. I want some time to connect with God- something i seem to need a lot of time and space to do. I want some time to just breathe- to shrug-off each pressure, expectation, lie, and longing and just look around at where I am. I want to appreciate that I just AM.

I could take a break or an afternoon off, but no matter how hard I would fight it, I would still be caught up in the time that was passing around me. But to freeze time… I could finally just break free.

I’m anxious. Anxious excited, not anxious nervous (well, maybe a little nervous). I’m so excited to be marrying Mike. So excited! A few days ago two of our friends returned from their honeymoon. They got married over week ago and it was amazing. I think the wedding was even more exciting knowing a lot of the path they took to get to that day.

And now it’s only a week and a half until my own wedding. I went into the jeweler today to drop off my engagement ring so it could be soldered to my wedding ring. The people behind the counter asked when I was getting married and were surprised that I was so calm for it being a week and a half away. I guess I don’t know what else to feel. I’m tired- wedding planning is a lot of work and I wish I didn’t feel guilty for watching TV or reading for a half hour because I have so much to do. I’m anxious- it’s exciting to know something big is coming up. And I’m excited- I think the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, and the honeymoon to NYC are all going to be SO MUCH FUN and I’m so glad I get to share them all with Mike and so many friends.

Other than that, I feel like me. Yes, I’m getting married soon, but I’m still me. And life is still going on as normal- I am still working at EVP, I am still trying to stay on top of things for my Blackhawk internship, and I am still craving chocolate and icecream each and every day… life is normal. Kinda.

Oh man, what’s coming up?

 

So a large part of my summer is interning for Blackhawk Church. I am absolutely loving the challenge of running a ministry, which is magnified by the challenge of working and planning a wedding at the same time. Every week I am afraid I am going to fall flat on my face while running 56 (it’s a summer ministry for students going into 6th grade in the fall) but so far I have always managed to make it through a night of 56 and make it home. And the students keep coming back, so I hope that means that they find 56 worthwhile.

Every week I find myself wanting more. The students come and I’m pre-occupied with making sure they have name tags, that the volunteers are playing with the students, that no one is left out… that I’m ready for whatever activity we’re doing for the night, that the lights are on, that I’m being witty… and the hour and a half that the students are at 56 flies by and suddenly I’m cleaning up and making sure everyone got a ride home. 

All I want is to get to know the students. I want to have fun with them, I want to know what’s going on in their lives. I want to know more than their name from their name-tag. I want discipleship, I want relationship, I want friendship… I don’t want to feverishly run programs. I had niave hopes that I could do a great job planning an evening and let the night run itself so that the program could be a conduit for building relationships… but programs don’t seem to run themselves and there is no time left for me to hang with the students.

All I want is a chance for us to do life together. I want a glimpse at what student’s lives are really like and how God really affects them. I want to know what they desire and understand how they understand faith. I want to live life together so we can learn and grow together. I want to teach by example and not by a talk. I want to have a common mission and goal and work towards that together. I don’t want to run programs… I just want to be together and let God show us the way through doing life together.